Ariana Grande feat. Zedd – “Break Free”

Ariana Grande

First things first, this track is a very polished example of EDM pop capped with a more-than-capable vocalist. Ariana Grande can make a song like this every year and make a lot of money. I’m not saying it’s my favorite. I’m saying people will really like it, DJs will remix it, and the song can become ubiquitous all on the strength of her voice.

But the video is a hot fucking mess of Nickelodeon-styled sets and acting. The set and artifacts are rife with fake Illuminati symbols that idiots like Mark Dice will actually spin into real Illuminati mumbo jumbo. But come on, this is really just an Astronaut Jones skit bacon-wrapped in EDM and Ariana anti-gravity cheesecake shots.

I feel bad for Jeannette McCurdy, who is probably sitting at home in Studio City or Santa Monica or wherever snorting her last line of coke from the baggie she stole from her ex-boyfriend director (You’re the Worst reference…WATCH THIS SHOW!). RIP Sam & Cat

Anyways I hate that I chose sleep over writing this blurb last night, because I so many more funny bits. The camel toe. Ariana’s washing her hair move. How Big Sean sidegraded from one hot Hispanic actress/singer to a waifish Hispanic singer/actress. How distraught I became when an ad-free video finally succumbed to the cliché Beats headphones, speaker, and app combo at the very end. Seriously does anyone outside of a music video set actually use the Beats Music app? If you say you do, I won’t believe you.

And what the fuck is a Zedd? Don’t tell me is the crane operating fake DJ white boy at the end of the video spliced between the kissing male dancers? It is. ffffffffffff. “Break Free” will be Ariane’s My Everything album.


Bonus Astronaut Jones video. Get better, Tracy Morgan!

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